Thank You to All the Awakening Men I Have Ever Dated
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To the men I have dated since September 2017…thank you!
People used to say to me all the time, "What, you're not in a (romantic) relationship, I can't believe some guy hasn't snapped you up yet?!” As if I just was sitting around waiting for the “snapping.”
It was hard for them to to believe, and especially for me, that I didn’t date for a whole decade. It was not by conscious choice or my heart’s desire, but it was Life’s greater plan.
From 2007-2017 I worked my tail off to build my business and successfully achieve my mission of positively impacting millions of lives on this planet.
I was working during that time – completely focused on speaking, touring, and traveling with my business partner and co-teacher. A man. Yes, that is relevant to this story.
Even though our inspirational life teachings included: not making any assumptions about things in life, not carrying around ideas, expectations of fixed outcomes, or projecting any of that onto others, I saw all of that on a daily basis.
Everyone everywhere we went assumed because we were a male and female traveling together and have a deep, soul family simpatico connection, that we were romantic partners. We were called a “dynamic duo.” We were. We worked through things in our first couple of years together that most couples married for 50 years don't ever go through.
And we had an incredibly playful groove on stage and certainly lots of genuine care and affection for the other, but just because that is seen publicly doesn’t mean that two individuals are sharing “sexy time” behind the scenes with each other!
As a result of widespread assumptions about “our energies” and even with our direct answers to the constant questions about what was or wasn’t taking place, for a whole decade I hardly had a flirt in my direction.
That was very new to me because up to that point, I’d pretty much always been in a relationship…on the receiving end of both wanted or unwanted male attention. Most days I was too busy to give the lack of attention in that area of my life much consideration, but of course I felt it. It just moved down the list of priorities in my life.
There were times when it was tremendously hard and I felt very alone in my “serving others.” There were also times that I was steeped in gratitude for the space. So much opened up in me in the not needing to be a certain way with someone, and in the not being wanted, desired, and having a partner’s needs or expectations put on me to either fulfill or “let them down.”
I was able to reflect on who I’d been in relationship/partnership with another. I could see how much of my life I had spent identifying with “being a couple” instead of really knowing and honoring myself first and foremost. I mistakenly thought that was selfish. Oh how much I didn’t understand!
I could see so much in that time of stillness and self-reflection. I saw my past neediness, co-dependence, independence, compromises, overbearing or controlling behaviors, jealousies, how I was immature or a doormat, or ways I made myself small and tried to fit into someone else’s life and their box.
In that decade of space, that very long “meditation retreat,” I experienced kundalini awakening and several profound spiritual awakenings. I learned more about being my own person with my own unique strengths, my own needs/wants/desires, my own energy, rhythms, what works for me and my mental and physical health and what doesn’t, more about my core values and joys, and ultimately – how to love and accept myself deeper and more unconditionally than ever before. I learned how in the absence of a partner’s love and romance, to love, romance, and to finally treat myself well. What a huge gift.
It wasn’t until my business partner and I made the decision to go in separate life directions in 2017, that I felt like I had the time, space, energy, and was the person I was proud to be and show up in a completely new and awesome way for myself, a potential partner, and the world, that I began to explore dating.
Prior to 2017, I never really dated. Relationships just came to me in my life. They showed up on their own or organically emerged. Well, except for that “desert” of a decade, of course. I was a diamond being polished. I was a sculpture of fine art getting chiseled. And art is never on a deadline. It’s complete whenever it’s complete and ready for its unveiling.
I thought maybe the Universe could use a little nudge. I thought if I took a step toward the desired future relationship with my mystery soulmate and showed the Universe I was serious, welcoming, and ready, maybe it would take some steps in my direction!
I explored the many ways that people meet nowadays both on and offline to express their interest in getting to know one another. Since September 2017, I have had the honor and privilege of meeting so many beautiful awakening men. Some, just for coffee or a meal. Some, I chose to sail with for a bit longer.
Each person; each interaction was a gift. Time is never wasted in the presence of another. I was able to listen, witness, and bless each of their journeys. And some were able to do the same for me. And still others are finding their way into a life that can include someone else’s experiences, values, beliefs, and ways of being that may be quite different than their own – without judgment or verbal persecution.
As lovely as some moments were, it was equally valuable to stand in the fire of their judgments, “put downs,” superiority, and unconsciousness to remind me and show me where I am rooted today. I am rooted in love and inclusivity for one and all.
Thank you to each of them for showing me even more about myself and where I’ve grown, and where I still am growing. I was able to see all the things that have been “unplugged” and where I’m no longer reactive and there is nothing to take personally.
I was also able to feel what still has sensitivity around it. I was able to see how much discomfort and disharmony I was willing to endure, vs. making the decision to acknowledge “This isn’t in my best interest,” and move on. I now choose to spend time with loving people who meet and treat me with respect, integrity, honesty, and love.
And, while my life was revitalized with the excitement of dating, I fully appreciated being able to feel more whole in myself and more connected to all that is. I enjoyed the powerful dance of the Divine masculine and feminine. Having spent so many years in the masculine energy of “go-go,” “do-do,” and endless planning and execution of daily tasks for business success, it was a much needed and celebrated return and uprising of the more receptive Divine feminine that I was learning to step fully into for myself, and for where the planet certainly is at right now.
Through these dating interactions I felt more seen, held, appreciated, adored, confident, aware, uplifted, encouraged, and balanced on so many incredible levels. I have come to know more passion, tenderness, sensuality, and feel more alive, sexier, and freer in my body and mind than ever before. What huge expansive, unexpected gifts for the journey!!
Even though sometimes the things that are best and good for our soul’s evolution (like a parting of ways) can “sting” or feel like a punishment or rejection, of course they’re not. Life is absolutely showing us by the closed doors, where to reroute ourselves toward the open doors. Keep going. Life asks us to trust and love again.
If someone or something isn’t the right fit or clearly a harmonious connection, there is a reason. It is not time. It is not the right path or partner. I see each closed door and “no” as one fabulous step closer to the right path. Each “no” is a bunny trail to a glorious, miraculous opening, and to the most delightful, much deserved joyous gifts.
So, as I reflect on the 2017-2019 amazing men I have met and lessons I’ve learned, I am truly grateful to each and every one of you. I thank you, and my future soulmate thanks you for the now deliciously blank canvas. I am more prepared than ever for what life brings my way.
And, of course 2020 is doing its part! It returns us to ourselves in new ways and shows up to create more space.
It asks each of us to TRULY get to know ourselves, our families, our friends, our values, and get down to the brass tacks of what is most important to our heart right now. It asks us to examine Life’s deepest truths.
It asks us to LITERALLY take some space.
In that space, perhaps there is life review and reflection?
Perhaps there are new dreams of the future of our own life and the world?
Perhaps long-sought clarity is revealed?
Perhaps there is an existential meltdown or exploration?
Perhaps there is more appreciation for the preciousness of the body, of this life, and our place in the Universe?
Perhaps we dive more deeply into the sacredness of this moment here and now with no thoughts of the past or future?
Perhaps we can live in this moment with no anticipation, but instead, just a willing, open heart filled with all the peace, wisdom, intuition, and love that has led us right here to this precious breath?
And from this space, can we utter just a simple, “Yes. Thank you.”
And with this next breath can we just love this one sweet heart of ours as if it is the most important thing we will ever be asked to do?
I say to my own heart, as the heart of all and in knowing how connected we all are, “I love you. I’m here for you. I will not abandon you. I will listen to you and follow your wisdom. I love you.”
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